


Recollections

by Pierreuse



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Family is complicated, Gen, Implied mental illness, Insomnia, Lore - Freeform, Postpartum Depression, Time Jump, epistolary fic, going all the way back, tying up loose threads (if we're lucky)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26789413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pierreuse/pseuds/Pierreuse
Summary: Excerpts from the longest record of any human life.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Sleepless

It's the middle of the night and I can hear you. Crying, down there. Your father is fast asleep beside me, safe within one of the dreams that he references so often. But I cannot sleep as long as you are awake. It's been like this, for us, since the day that you were born.

And so I get up.

I adjust my shift, concealing the parts of my shoulders that it does not cover with a shawl. I carefully, silently, step into my slippers. Your father wakes easily.

I tiptoe down to your room, past the doors of maids and cooks and all the people needed to maintain this house.

Your room is directly beneath us--down exactly one floor. It's supposed to allow us to hear you, with ample room for a nurse to sleep nearby. Your father doesn't care where the servants live. I'd rather they not interrupt my peace.

Despite the heavy floors between us, only I can hear you sniffling. Your nurse is still asleep. She won't be the first or the last one I fire, but not for this.

They say mothers possess a supernatural bond with their child.

Do you feel it?

I see you squirming in your crib. It seems too spacious, in the moonlight, for just one child. There is almost enough room for me, but instead of climbing in, I gather you up in my arms. I whisper into your hair to make you quiet, as your wet fingers grab and twist at the folds of my shift.

I know I will love you. And yet, I'm still waiting to feel the things my sisters say are normal, and what I know, despite never meeting her, my mother felt for me.

Right now, what I feel is a kind of benevolence. And the certainty that if anyone tried to hurt you, I would flay them alive myself. For you are and will always be mine to protect.

I fall asleep with you on the rug, surrounded by every flush thing I can find and drag to the center of the floor to make our circumstances bearable. It's the first time I've slept through the night in months. Coincidentally, it's also the first time I've slept next to you since you were very young--not yet a month old. The doctor has declared it bad for the health of all involved--mine, yours, your father's. I sleep little enough as it is, he says, without a baby disturbing us. Besides, it's not what 'comfortable' people do--not when they have a nursemaid.

Your last nursemaid, Flora, was dreadfully bad at actually doing her job. She liked to bring you down to us when we were working, to show you all the pretty things. That was how you almost got your mouth on a pile of malachite.

Your father was furious. I had never seen him so angry.

I need to stop letting my sister talk me into letting her send her old friends. They're all spinsters, or anxious to get back to their own children.

I know I will love you, I think, gazing upon your gossamer curls, glinting gold in the morning light. When this brain and body of mine can begin to work together.

You are all your father's by looks, but I know, somehow--deep inside, you will be all of me.


	2. Intermission #1

Envy, you will doubtless be wondering what this is. Or at its purpose, if you already know. I can't watch you at all hours, as much as I'd like. I trust that you at least know to stay within your parameters. Snoop through my things, if you must. I know no more of Hohenheim's whereabouts than I know what inspires you to ruin every good thing in this house, though you and I rarely see each other, so it can't be anything I've said.

Call me a sentimental old hag. Call me anything you like, but watch yourself. I have means of arresting you that would be inconceivable to any homunculus. You know enough to *fear* alchemy but come woefully unequipped to understand it. As long as this is true, you will be weak. Weaker than this human who has found eternal life. I won't put you down there with Greed, but that doesn't mean I've abandoned other methods of controlling you lot. Just try me if you think I exaggerate.

Now where was I?

You expressed, once, some skepticism that I ever loved you as a mother. While love is something that can't be quantified--its volume must be slightly larger than the universe itself, in the case of a mother for her child--I did find some passages from my writing over the years that I think might be illuminative for you. But why do I care? Stubbornness, I suppose. Perhaps I am also growing nostalgic, in the body of this old woman. Get me a younger one soon. One with hair as dark and as straight as silk. This frizzy tangle of straw is an unmanageable wreck. Not that you give a damn.

Some of these passages are also quite funny.

I'll copy more into this book as I read through the protracted history of my life. Over four hundred years and almost as many volumes. Maybe I will grow bored and throw it all away when you furnish a new body for me. And remember, she must be *young*. As young as she can be, without being a child. I prefer between the ages of nineteen and twenty-one (I must be a legal adult for reasons of a financial nature). Above twenty-seven is unacceptable. Make her as pale as the moon and nimble in a fight. Hohenheim is coming. I have a feeling he will be here very soon.

P.S. - You may not ask me how I know this but not the man's location. The stone is nearly gone. When there is nothing left, he will come to kill us both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first published fic on AO3 is up! This is also my first published FMA fic (and my first published fic in ten years, truth be told). Apologies for any plot, historical, or scientific inaccuracies. If there's anything glaring or unforgivable, feel free to let me know and I'll probably make suitable changes.
> 
> This is a project I've been mulling over for a while. After approaching it in two different ways, this (the third) was the way that worked. I have a lot more planned that I'm going to try to write. I love Dante a lot and have wanted to write something that captured the unique complexities of her relationship with Envy and its progression over the course of their lives. As you can already see, from the beginning to now, there is a stark contrast.
> 
> If you read this, I hope you enjoyed it! And don't forget, Happy October 3rd! :)


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